Ah, Ultraman. Whether you're a fan or not, you pretty much know what the series is about: an alien that transforms into a giant and defends Earth (Japan) from various monsters that threaten the planet on a weekly basis. But what was the alien's true intention on crash landing on Earth? Well, you'll find out the truth, right here, right now!
The beginning of the first episode starts with Hayata, a member of the Science Patrol, patrolling the skies in his funky, high-tech jet. On this particular night, however, he witnesses something flying through the sky... What is it, you wonder? A pair of giant balls. At that moment, the balls split up, going in complete different directions. The blue ball, probably numb from its trip through space, decides to take shelter in a lake. Near some singing hippies. And no, before you ask, they unfortunately don't get killed by the giant, blue ball. The red ball just so happens to hit Hayata's jet, then crashes into the forest below...
The hippies, seeing the plane crash, rush towards the wreckage. They spot Hayata on the ground unconscious, but before they get to capture and turn him into a hippie, the red ball engulfs Hayata and takes him into the sky. Whew, that was close. Inside this red ball, an alien appears over Hayata with its crotch in his face. Judging by its pose, the alien seems to be doing it on purpose... The two carry on a conversation, and the alien goes on about how it apologizes for hitting him, and then offers to fuse with him. The alien then goes on to say it'll protect the Earth (Japan) from any threat. Right after it says this, the alien drops a dildo on Hayata's neck and tells him to use it when he's in danger. I kid you not.
Once the two finish talking, the giant, red ball busts a nut in the night sky. The rest of the Science Patrol arrives at the location, and they, along with the hippies, search the whole place for Hayata's missing body until morning. As the people converse amoungst each other, the area in the lake where the blue ball went into starts to bubble. Or boil. Something. At which point, a huge monster, Bemular, emerges from the lake, most likely to say hi to the kind citizens of Earth (Japan). How do the Science Patrol react to this gesture of peace? They lay the smack down on the poor creature, firing their weapons at it. Afterwards, a repetitive battle breaks out, where the Science Patrol attacks the monster from the sea and air. Bemular, having enough of this bull, grabs the sub that Hayata is in, tosses it into the forest, and then shoots it, starting a fire. Hayata, having no other option left, grabs his dildo, gets out of the sub, and then transforms and grows into:
ULTRAMAN!
You'd think the epic battle of the century is about to take place, right? Well, it's epic, but in a different way, and shows the true reason why Ultraman "fights" these monsters. The very first thing he does to Bemular is knock him to the ground, where Ultraman proceeds to force himself on Bemular and have his way with him. He then forces Bemular on top of him, beside the lake, much to Bemular's dissatisfaction. Bemular manages to escape the clutches of his horniness, but Ultraman quickly gets back into it by rushing towards his crotch, attempting a blowjob. Of course, Bemular gets away before he gets a chance to do anything, at which point, Ultraman flies away. Did he decide to flee, frustrated with Bemular's resistance? Nope. Instead, Ultraman reappears from behind for some surprise sex. Ultraman continues on with "attacking" Bemular, until he grew tired and blew him up.
That, lady and gentlemen, is the real reason Ultraman decided to go to this planet. He knew a lot of creatures were gonna invade the planet and he used that to his advantage, so that he can have all the forced sex he can get. So, remember, the next time you think about attacking Earth (Japan), think about how you're gonna get buttsexed by Ultraman, our hero.
