G.I. Joe, we know them from that rockin' toy series from the 80s' where they fight Cobra. That show where no one ever dies, despite the crazy amount of firepower and explosions that are thrown around in each episode. But we didn't care, we just wanted to see our favorite characters appear on screen and kick ass. Then, of course, there were the public service announcements, which attempted to help dumbass kids not do stupid things. They did their job, but, unfortunately, certain Joes took advantage of these situations for their own selfish, perverted reasons. In this feature, I'll expose those Joes for what they really are: pedophiles!
So, in this first Perverted Service Announcement, a couple of kids were sleeping, when, all of a sudden, a fire breaks out! They try to escape in a panic, but the door handle is too hot, so they're stuck in the the room. However, as "luck" would have it, Barbecue just happened to be in the neighborhood, or more specifically, outside the children's window. After hopping through the window and casually giving them fire advice inside a burning building, he leads them out the same window and then into some bushes where no one can find them.
Did you see what just happened here? This "mysterious" fire didn't start by itself, oh no... Barbecue started it on purpose! Why do you think he was there before the fire trucks even arrived? That's right, he wanted the children out and all for himself, but he had to do it in a way that the children would trust him. Disgusting.
Next up, we have two boys playing in a pond (keep that in mind), splashing each other and having a grand time. Then a thunderstorm comes out of nowhere, which forces one of the kids out of the water in fear of getting struck by lightning. The other kid stays in, pretending to be macho and stuff, and at this point, something odd starts to occur. Deep Six, who just happens to be underwater in the pond, the WHOLE time they were playing, emerges from behind the kid. Obviously, he FREAKS, probably for more than one reason. I mean, who knows what Deep Six did when he came up behind the child. Sick.
In this one, we see a boy showing off his treehouse masterpiece (admittedly, it looks like shit) to his friend down below. He brags about how sturdy it is, and even demonstrates by smacking the wood. Unfortunately, the whole thing falls apart, and the boy plunges towards the ground. However, a Joe, again, happens to be nearby and makes a mad dash to the boy. He catches him before the kid hits the dirt, and in the process, cops a feel. Now, you're probably thinking I'm over-thinking here. Well, you're wrong, because he continues rubbing the boy's ass even after catching him.
The kid doesn't catch on at first, but a few seconds afterwards, he realizes what happened. Quick Kick sabotaged his treehouse, so that he could get the opportunity to grope the kid in a tense situation. I feel like vomiting.
Girl's stomach hurts, big brother gets some medicine for her, and Joe appears RIGHT in front of the window as it happened.
Yeah, that's it. What? It's short, but it's still fucking creepy.
Finally, we have two boys (interesting how it's never girls...) camping alone, in the woods, at night. As the two merrily have a conversation with each other, one of the kids accidentally gets fire on his jacket. At this point, you know what happens next. A Joe comes bursting out of the darkness and covers the kid in a blanket to put out the flames. The sick bastard then uses this moment to touch the kid all over, and as you can see, the boy obviously looks uncomfortable. Spirit tries to make the kid feel better by leaning in for a kiss, but it just made things worse.
I'm surprised these Joes haven't been thrown in jail for all the perverted things they did to these kids back in the 80s. A real American hero my ass. Shame!
Now you know.
Yes, I was too lazy to edit out the black bars.
