I was gonna write a review this week, but I wasn't in the mood to play a shitty game. So, instead, I'm gonna talk about ninjas. But not just normal ninjas, I'm gonna talk about the Ninja Kids and their awesomely ridiculous game.
And so begins the wonderful world of The Ninja Kids. Ninjas fighting satanists? Damn fucking straight. But as you can see, the kids will also be going up against another dastardly foe in the process: Engrish.
Chapter 1: An Aimed Town
As you begin the game, those evil satanists are already up to no good! Did they destroy a building? Kill an important leader? No, worse. They raided a fast food restaurant and took two hostages. EVIL!! Of course, the ninjas' teacher points them right towards danger, and then decides to sit back and watch the action at a safe distance..... The world is about to end, you'd think their teacher would attempt to help out. Anyway, getting to the restaurant won't be easy, because the satanists littered the streets with one of mankind's greatest enemy: hippies. But we all know what to do when hippies get on our nerves, right? We slice the motherfuckers in half, of course.
But hippies aren't the only thing you'll go up against towards your destination. You'll eventually make your way into a bar where a big, round guy challenges you with cartwheels. This doesn't phase our little, blue ninja, however. He quickly rids of this buffoon by summoning a flood. You'll fight a couple more hippies afterwards (as well as almost getting hit by a cadillac), and then finally make your way inside the restaurant where you, brace yourself, fight an onslaught of hippies! When you're done disposing of these goons, the floating satanist that looks like a rabbit transforms one of the hostages into a vicious werewolf! He's not much of a threat, but the damn fight goes on for what seems like ages. He turns back to normal once you defeat him, and the day is saved! No more will satanists dare attempt to take over fast food restaurants after this incident. Wait a minute, there's more?....
You bastard.
Chapter 2: The Satan of Flames This time around, the satanists decided to think big, so they took over an apartment complex! DO YOU FEEL THEIR POWER?! The Ninja Kids waste no time getting there, and decide to climb up the outer sides of the building.... Not as easy as they thought it would be. However, our manly, yellow ninja decides to make the descent up easier by sicking a bunch of ghosts on these evil bastards. Once he makes it to the top, the trouble doesn't stop. Two, beefed-up men are waiting, getting ready to man-handle our fashioned ninja. Their attempts were futile as the ninja puts the smack down on the two of them.
So, what does he do next? Well, he goes all the way back down the now burning building by using the stairs, duh. If any normal being did this, it would've been the most retarded thing, ever. However, the ninja wasn't content with just avoiding this army of Satan worshippers. He wanted to go through every floor so he can kick the shit out of them. That's just how fucking manly the Ninja Kids are. Eventually, he'll make his way to a single room where he fends off floating satanists with candle holders. I'm not making this up. And when he kills them, you'll finally witness the boss make its entrance. Is it a big, ugly skull with an eyeball hanging out? A disgusting monster with its insides visible? Nope. A happy ball of flame. This fight is somewhat tough, because it's hard to tell where the flames it throws is going to land, which will result in getting burned a lot.
Onward, ninja kids! Let nothing stand in your way!
Chapter 3: Construction Work Spot
They've really done it now. They could've attacked an already finished building with hundreds of civilians in it, but they didn't. They sent out an army of humpback zombies to attack a building under construction. These guys are getting smarter by the minute. Not only that, but one of these humpbacks made a bold statement to our Ninja Kids. Indeed, a graveyard of you. The red ninja took this threat seriously, and attacked the humpbacks by slicing their heads off with SHURIKENS. That takes mad skills to pull off. A little bit into the chapter, the ninja confronts armed soldiers that crash through walls. Eat your heart out, Abodo. Now, I can't put my hand on it, but the way these guys are dressed remind me of another video game character. I just don't know who I'm thinking of....
I didn't make a big deal out of those soldiers, because they're the most normal looking encounters in this chapter. I mean, just look at what you have to fight seconds later. What the fuck is this? It looks like a mutated dog that's wearing pants, sporting a mohawk, and wearing a clown nose. Don't even get me started on the boss. It COULD be one of the humpbacks, but there's no hump to be seen, and he looks skinny as hell compared to them. There's only one conclusion I could come to: it's a muppet. This dude isn't really that hard to fight, but he takes a long time to defeat because he jumps almost every time you hit him (you need to jump too or get hurt when the ground rumbles). But enough about fighting him. I mean, REALLY, what the fuck is THIS?!
What.... is he doing with his other hand?
Chapter 4: A Bad Ninja Appears!
Ah-ha! A new challenge awaits the Ninja Kids! With this promise of a hard fight, could this be the toughest chapter so far? I..... I guess not. Man, even with the combine forces of hippies and ninjas, they're no match for the green ninja. Though, with those bottles in the hippies hands, they were probably too drunk to fight at their full potential. Anyway, this chapter mostly takes place on a blimp, of all places. Wouldn't it make more sense to steal a fighter jet or something? Ah well, at least you get to save some flight attendents. Seconds after that, you'll be on top of the blimp, getting ready to face the trash talking boss. How does he face you? By flying around on a kite while his goons attack you. Pussy. He eventually gets off... to throw bats at you. A pretty easy fight overall, and probably the shortest chapter in the game. So much for a hard fight.....
Okay, we get it.
Chapter 5: The Last Severe Fight
Ah, goody, the final chapter. The satanists go all out trying to keep the ninjas in ckeck with dead muscle men, bouncing hippies, crawling zombies, floating satanists, cartwheeling zombies, and skeletons. Will this be the end of the Ninja Kids?....... Get the fuck out of here. Of course, they hand all of them a severe ass kicking. After all of that, we finally get to the moment we've all been waiting for: the battle with Satan......................... Um, what? He looks like a green goblin with a mullet and a hairy crotch. To make matters worse, all he does for the majority of the fight is float around and shoot little, blue balls everywhere. Not the best way to end a game, but, oh well.
And so, we come to the end. Satan got his butt kicked and the world has been saved. While The Ninja Kids isn't exactly a great game, it's one of those titles you'll want to play because of how bizarre it is. If you REALLY want to try it out, it's included in the Taito Legends compilation that's available for the Xbox, PS2, and PC.
Now, one last time, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!
