Now, a couple of days ago, when I was watching reviting television programs (cartoons), I happened to see this McDonald's commercial where they were showing off their latest Kids Meal line about Mario. The whole commercial basically consisted of a real-life recreation of a Super Mario Bros. level (which they OBVIOUSLY didn't steal from a college play I saw on Web Junk a few months back). Here's some horrible shots (thank you, YouTube):
As you can see, McDonalds revealed a shocking secret that has eluded the general population for years: Mario had help.... from NINJAS! When you think about it, it just really makes a whole lot of sense. I mean, really, did you honestly believe that a fat plumber was able to run like the wind, easily fly through the sky, and swim swiftly in the water as he took on Browser's entire army, countless times? It's just not possible. However, to be extra sure this wasn't all make believe, I decided to go through various games that the plumber has starred in. What I found was amazing....
My first finding was in NES Open, a golf title for the..... NES. Of course, everything looks pretty normal in this shot, right? Mario's just playing golf, and he just hit a ball that seems to be going an incredible distance. Mario needed no help at all hitting it.
Wrong.
Take a closer look at the ball:
That's right, your eyes do not deceive you! A ninja with camoflauge is jumping through the air with ball in hand, making sure that Mario wins the tournament! But the surprises don't stop there....
Ah, Super Mario Kart, everyone's played it a bajillion times, so it'd be doubtful that there are any secrets left untold in this title. Or so we thought. Look at this undoctored screenshot:
Wow, a ninja comes out of nowhere in a kart to offer Mario some tips on beating the other racers! I.... I'm just in awe right now.
*gasp* Ninjas appeared in Mario Is Missing?!..... Nah, they're too manly to appear in a shitty game. But they did made an appearance in Yoshi's Cookie! Pay attention this time:
Did you see them? If not, take a look again:
You got it, the ninjas disguised themselves as clouds and helped Mario capture the runaway.... whatever the hell it is. I almost shit my pants when I saw this.
Now, there are many more Mario games that ninjas have appeared in, but for the last one of this feature, I decided to go with Super Mario RPG:
With the princess being kidnapped for the thousandth time, Mario knew he couldn't keep his weed house unsupervised. So, what did he do in SMRPG? Well:
He got a bunch of his ninja budies to look out for his pad while he was gone. No more did he had to worry about Toad sneaking in and stealing his entire stash. But that wasn't the only instance in the game that they appeared. Back in the beginning when the princess got kidnapped and Mario was in the process of rescuing her, did you honestly think that he was able to jump back up to the princess all by himself after falling to the ground on a chandelier? If so, you're fucking nuts.
Of course the ninjas helped him back up! It may be hard to make out, but you can see a ninja hiding on Mario's back in the above shot. You can also see that the princess is happy to see Mario... But that's actually what Mario is thinking inside his head. He "saved" the princess so many times, he's not used to hearing anything else. But, unbeknownst to Mario, this is what Toadstool actually said:
I think you've seen enough, any more exposure would make your heads explode. I would just like to take this moment to thank McDonalds for exposing Mario for what he really is: a fake that needs the help of awesome ninjas. Your food still sucks, McDonalds, but thank you.